Some kind of reality.

if i could turn back time, i want to go back to school.
primary or secondary..i don't mind.
being a school student is one of the best time in life. maybe.
but i don't enjoyed it as much as i should.
and for that, i kinda regret.

i kinda regret somehow because i just don't do what i wanted to,
i don't be how i wanted to when i'm in school.
i am a really shy girl.
especially when i'm in school.
oh. stupid me. =_='

somehow i hate myself because of that. really really hate myself because of that.
its so hard for me to interact to other people cos i am crazily shy.
damn it!

its so hard for me to introduce myself to someone i want to knew and make friend.
its so hard for me to find good topics to talk to someone i just knew.
i rather zipped up my mouth like forever rather than talking.

cause somehow if i talk, i will suddenly talk bout something so weird without i noticed.
and if i already noticed, then i will make myself feel like full of redness and shyness all around my face.
damn.
i can only be a normal me to family and friend which i already really close with.

and you know what.
some of it still playing around me till today. =_='

i read in some articles and a blog whose has quite a same experienced like me.
from that,i knew that this kind of condition called inferiority complex.

here are some about it..

An inferiority complex arises from imagined or conditioned feelings of inferiority. 

An individual experiencing repeated situations in which he or she feels less than others (conditioning aspect) may imaginatively “blow out” their understanding of the experiences beyond what would seem reasonable to another person (imagination aspect).

Some situations in which feelings of inferiority may arise are:

• Parental attitudes and upbringing – disapproving, negative remarks and evaluations of behavior emphasizing mistakes and shortcomings determine the attitude of the child before the age of six.^[1]
• Physical defects – such as disproportional facial and body features, weight, height, strength, speech defects and defective vision cause inferiority complexes.^[2]
• Mental limitations – cause feelings of inferiority when unfavorable comparisons are made with the superior achievements of others, and when satisfactory performance is expected.^{[citation needed]}
• Social disadvantages and discriminations – family, alleged race, sex, sexual orientation, economic status, or religion.

Source : Wikipedia

after reading this, i can feel that its kinda related to myself.

i always feeling this way.

sometime feeling like better die than facing things that need to face others.(wahhh..over :P)

things like..... which what i personally feel when i will meet people or during i meet people around me.

imagination aspect. yes. 

yes for before. no for now..

good improvement for myself i think :)

feel less then others. yes

when i feel others look better than me,have more self-confident than me..

i think sometime i'm still feeling this way..

physical defects. yes. 

my size always bigger than the other girls around me.

parental attitudes and upbringing. yes for before.

i think this related to my little faith since i was born.

no relation with physical and mental. just some-kind of faith..

i knew bout it my age 6 years old.

when i grew up,about 12-14 years old, 

this little faith playing in my head.

i just can't accept it.

the feeling to think bout my little faith was too strange for me at that time.

its like i can't accept it.

it make myself down. so down.

for that, i am blaming..but i can't voice it up.

to make myself feel relieved, i often cried.

i am still so young at that time.

but now,i can fully accept my little faith..

for me.. 'him' also teached me a lot about faith in life. :')

my little faith.something that already written for me,for my whole life.

accept it thankfully with full of heart. no regret and no blaming. 

:)

good night.